Thursday, March 31, 2005

the bigger picture

I asked Violet and Spitfire if it was enough to have someone who loves you, but not as much as you love them. And I can't decide. I think it's difficult to be on either end of the spectrum. I can't decide which would be more difficult. I think if I was the one to love more, I'd be afraid that they would get tired of me. Yet being on the other side, I would wonder if I'm good enough. I think the ideal would be an equal amount of love between you both, but is that really attainable? And if that cannot be accomplished, how great could that gap be before it became too great a burden for either of you?

This is part of the reason I've decided to take a break from dating. I cannot give of myself in a way that could foster such a relationship right now. I need the time for me to grow as an individual before I can become a part of something bigger. I need to be confident in who I am and what I believe in before I can let someone back into my heart. I realized the first time I lived on my own, with no roommates or boyfriends, that I had no idea how to make decisions for myself. I always had someone around that would take the lead and control the situation. Little things like deciding on a place to go for dinner would make my mind go blank and the fear to set in. I get so afraid of making a mistake or disappointing someone, that I choose not to decide instead. If I hadn't had such a great roommate when I moved to Chicago (Thanks Spitfire!) I never would have done anything exciting or adventurous. She was my decision maker, and not because that's what she wanted to do.

I still have a lot of work to do in this area. I just realized as I've been writing this, that I haven't made my place a home yet. It's still a shell that my stuff is in. Only one room even has pictures up, and it's the one room I hate. I have bought only 3 things in 1 1/2 years to decorate. A phone stand, a small dresser and my duvet cover. I don't have drapes or paint or anything to make this place a home. And it's all because I don't want to make a mistake. I don't trust my own judgment on something so simple as paint! Which is easy to fix if you don't like it...it's called repainting. Easy right? Not for me. I'm a perfectionist. I want it to be perfect the first time. And I know from previous painting experiences that the smallest mistakes are really visible to me. I know...I'm crazy. But I'm trying to work on it I swear! Maybe the time has come to finally do something about it. Any one up for a trip to home depot? No, wait. You can't come. I have to decide on the colours by myself this time!

Posted by Maple :: 10:03 PM :: 2 Comments:

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