FireCracker Realized
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Things are looking up
Maybe my luck is starting to change. I just called the bank to see how much is left to pay on my car loan and it's under $1300! I'm so excited by that because I'll be able to pay it off this weekend!! Woo-hoo!
Now if only my student loan could go away too.
Posted by Maple :: 2:28 PM :: 0 Comments: ---------------------------------------
blah, blah, blah
I wish that my life was different than it is. I wish that I was full of joy and happiness and was excited about things again. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling very joyful lately. I feel kind of sad and empty. My life is dull, partly due to having no work to do during the days and partly because I don't do much during the evenings either. Boredom has taken over and is starting to control my every waking moment.
So how do I change things? I've started by taking Tuesday afternoon off so I can get to McFetridge early to sign up for the next round of tennis lessons in January. I missed the November sign up so I've only played once in many many months, but having classes to enjoy will really help my mood - and get me back in shape! I may actually do as I did last time and sign up for two classes that are held back to back for a really tough workout. I've also been asked by CG to start working out again by having a little competition. We're heading to spring training in March and she thought it would be a good motivator to be in shape by then. I haven't completely decided yet but I think I will accept her challenge. I have until midnight tonight to decide and determine my game plan. I'm thinking yoga tomorrow night would be a great way to start. My problem is I hate the gym and always feel like I'm under a microscope there. I guess I'll just have to get over that feeling and get my flabby a*s back into shape. Maybe a cute personal trainer would help??
What else am I going to do? I've decided that at least once a month I will do something cultural, like going to the Art Institute. And maybe I can get Violet to go ice skating again this year down at Millennium Park. I've been meaning to go to the zoo for 2 years now so that should probably be on my list as well. Any other suggestions for things to make me feel more alive are welcome and hopefully I will have more interesting things to write about as well. Especially since last night was oh so stimulating...I did laundry, made a turkey sandwich and finally figured out how to create mailing labels so that I could start my Christmas cards. Most are now done, and I'm just waiting for people to give me their addresses so that I can finish them off. Hopefully by the end of the week they will be all done and mailed off. I guess that means a trip to the post office as well to get more stamps - how exciting!
Amazing how by putting these thoughts into words has already helped to improve my mood. If only things could always be so easy.
Posted by Maple :: 12:29 PM :: 3 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Monday, November 28, 2005
Rain, rain go away
It's Monday again, but that's okay. I'm feeling really good today - surprising since I didn't get much sleep last night in my sauna of an apartment. The weekend was a great one and my family has expanded again. I've been adopted by Tosa's inlaw's. Her father-in-law is a joker and Harley kept telling him to stop bugging me, but I knew it was just because he liked me and I had no problem with it. Her mother-in-law confirmed it Sunday morning by telling me that they thought of me as a daughter and I was welcome to visit them down in southern Indiana any time, and not just when Tosa & Harley went to visit.
Wednesday night was spent watching movies and just hanging out at home. Thursday was the cookie debacle, followed by the movie Crash - which was amazing! - and then turkey dinner at my cousins house. Most of that evening was spent holding Ben, my 4 week old 3rd cousin (or is it 2nd cousin, once removed?) who is absolutely adorable and sweet as can be. And not once during the evening did my biological clock start ticking, which leads me to believe that I will choose not to have any children of my own. I think my only children will end up being dogs when I finally get a house of my own, since I spent a lot of time cuddling with Onyx while I was with Tosa and enjoyed that more than holding Ben. That may seem weird to some of you, but for as long as I can remember, I've always said that I never wanted children. I would get a dog now but I would have to move, get a job with normal hours and somehow manage to take care of something other than myself, which is not really possible right now. I have a hard enough time taking care of me right now, but one day it will happen.
Friday I drove up to Wisconsin for the last wedding event for Tosa & Harley. It was time for their church wedding, and only a select few were able to attend - Tosa & Harley, Harley's parents, Tosa's Mom and me. We all arrived Friday and it was the first time this season I've had to drive through snow. It wasn't too bad, but it was a bit of a pain. Saturday was the wedding and it was warm and sunny, and the snow gave it a nice touch. The service was very intimate, included just the 6 of us, and only the moms were not in the wedding party so they became the photographers for the event. The church was beautiful, but it felt very strange being in one again. It has been a very long time, but I still remember all the words to the prayers that were said. I guess the brainwashing was somewhat effective.
After the service, we headed back to the house to prepare the turkey and it was delicious! There was so much food and I must have gained 10 pounds that night. There was turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes and green beans, salad and butternut squash soup, mac & cheese, cranberries and gravy. Then came the pumpkin pie and pecan pie with ice cider for dessert. Unbelievable! Tosa & Harley are both great cooks so I was spoiled rotten and the leftovers will probably last a while. I managed to escape with less than they wanted to give, but I still have plenty. I will be having turkey sandwiches all week and I'm looking forward to it!
Sunday I left for home around 9am so that I could be back in time to see Doc for brunch, which unfortunately never happened. We had been playing phone tag all weekend, but I never heard back from her on Sunday so that we could meet. It made me sad that I wouldn't see her but it gave me a chance to do things around the house so my day wasn't a complete waste.
Posted by Maple :: 10:30 AM :: 1 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving...again!
Thanksgiving #2 has arrived and to make up for not celebrating the Canadian version, I will be having 2 turkey days this weekend. Mmmmm...turkey! Tonight will be spent with my second cousin and her family and then the rest of the weekend I will be heading to Wisconsin for another wedding ceremony followed by turkey at Tosa's. In preparation for these events, I baked more cookies to bring with me. Unlike the shortbreads from earlier, these cookies are not quite as easy to make and take some preparation.And they looked great and things went smoothly except for one thing. One very important thing went wrong. They taste horrible!! I think I may have let the butter out of the fridge too long because they taste sour.
They were supposed to have each end dipped in chocolate, but there is no point in wasting perfectly good chocolate on bad tasting cookies. So I had to do something I can't stand to do. I had to throw them away and now I'm sad. It's the first time I've screwed up something I've baked and it feels like such a waste. Oh well, better to throw them out then to make people sick. And I'll try again another day, because these are my second favourite holiday cookies and baking is fun for me. It's not something I will do very often but I enjoy it and then love being able to share my creations with my friends. Besides, it's getting really cold here and having the oven on is a great way to stay warm!
Posted by Maple :: 11:40 AM :: 2 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Sun-day, fun-day
Lately I've been feeling like a sloth and today I finally did something about it. I was productive since I woke up early this morning. I hoped right into the shower because I knew if I didn't, then I would remain in my lazy state of mind that's been taking over recently. What followed was pretty mundane, but necessary stuff that I've been putting off for a while - laundry, shopping, ironing, cleaning. Sounds like fun doesn't it?
To treat myself for doing all that boring stuff, I went to a matinee to watch Derailed, the new Jennifer Aniston flick. I had heard bad reviews about it, but since I don't go to movies much (maybe 3 times a year at most) I decided it was worth it since I wasn't paying for it. I have movie passes that expire at the end of the month so I took advantage and went. I miss going to the theatre, but going by myself is not always easy which is usually why I won't normally go. Today I felt strong and wanted to get out in the world instead of hiding myself and the funny thing is, it wasn't so bad. It was a nice day so I walked to the theatre and got there just as the previews were starting, which gave me little time to think and ponder being alone. When the movie ended and the lights went up, I realized that I wasn't the only single person there and that made me realize that I shouldn't be afraid to do things on my own. It's not a bad thing, it just sucks after the fact when you don't have anyone to discuss the plot with.
After the movie, I came home and made dinner for the next couple of days and then did something really crazy. I made Christmas cookies!! I don't know what possessed me, but boy are they good and really easy to make. Only 3 ingredients and 10 minutes to bake. It takes longer to clean up after then it does to make them. And I still managed to finish everything before Desperate Housewives came on.
Now if only I knew how to get rid of them without eating them all myself!
Posted by Maple :: 9:09 PM :: 4 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Thursday, November 17, 2005
You know it's cold when...
- I have to put 2 duvets on my bed to be able to sleep.
- The 'L' has issues for 2 days in a row.
- There is steam coming off the Chicago River.
- My index finger goes white.
- The high for the day is only 31 degrees.
- The temperature at 6:45am is 16 degrees and by 10:45am it's only 19 degrees.
- The wind chill makes it 7 degrees.
- I've decided to break down and buy thermal underwear.
- The hairs in your nose are covered in icicles.
- I use my credit card in the cafeteria for a $2.17 lunch instead of going out to find an ATM to get cash.
Posted by Maple :: 10:40 AM :: 3 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
A lot of nothing
Today has been a very quiet day. My phone has rung twice, but each time it was a single ring and then a hang up. I've had only about 5 emails, and only one was work related, taking 15 seconds to complete the task. Other than that, I've worked on the crossword, a sudoku puzzle and a few online games and I still have another 2 hours to go before I can head home.
I suppose my excitement today was the train ride into work. I left earlier than normal, was able to get a seat and a copy of the commuter paper - yay! - and then we were delayed about 20 minutes when I was 2 stops away from my destination. So much for getting into work a little early.
Oh...and it's really, really, really cold!! Yuck!
Posted by Maple :: 2:48 PM :: 0 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Monday, November 14, 2005
Doing something about it
Instead of just writing about how I feel I actually decided to do something about it. I called my Mom last night. It was the first time we've talked since our trip to California and it was good. We talked about a range of things and it felt good. I tried to keep an open mind and not let myself fall into my usual habits of not telling her about my life and actually opened up and told her about breaking up with Fenway. She didn't really say much and I didn't feel like she was supportive, but at least I tried to keep an open mind and share a piece of myself with her. Hopefully in time things will get better.
And as for the hair...I don't like it, but Tosa says it looks cute. If I can keep it behind my ears then it's tolerable, but otherwise it just looks bad. Hopefully it will grow really fast!
Posted by Maple :: 9:14 AM :: 1 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Sunday, November 13, 2005
We are family
I just spent the last 3 days with Tosa's family and I had a great time. I absolutely love her family and consider them part of my own. I've been calling her Mom 'Mom' ever since high school and still do to this day. She was always the fun mother that everyone liked to talk to. She would tell us all the dirty jokes and pretty much let us do what we wanted. As the years go by, the rest of her family has also taken me to be part of the group. I've been to family reunions, Thanksgiving dinners, weddings and birthday parties and I've even had to endure Mom talk about her sex life while I was still in university, and most recently I've heard about Dad's prostate troubles. Nothing is off limits with them it seems, so I think it's safe to say that I've pretty much been adopted into the family - and I wouldn't have it any other way! They've become my surrogate family while I'm living in the States and I really do love them.
The only problem I have with this is that I don't have this type of affection from my own family. They tend to be more distant and aloof, and don't show the type of affection that I'm just realizing that I desperately crave. I feel like I walk on egg shells around my mom and don't really feel like we know anything about each other. We can't joke around or just have fun around each other. It always seems like I have to force myself to be someone else around them. Like they expect me to be the girl I used to be, someone I don't really feel like anymore. Instead of being the meek and quiet girl that used to just watch and listen, I've become stronger and independent, with a mind of my own. They have no idea what I'm like on a daily basis and I guess I really don't have any idea what they are like either. I never talk to my brother unless I'm at home or they call from a family dinner. My sister and I have never gotten along and have always fought like cats and dogs when we spend too much time together, so we don't talk much either. But I don't want this to continue. I want to start changing things so that I feel like I really belong to a family. Right now I feel like the outsider and actually get along better with my sister-in-law than anyone else, probably because she doesn't judge me for being myself. I can be open with her about anything and she will encourage me to do things and cheer me on, while my family tends to bring me down and make me regret sharing any part of my life with them.
I desperately want to change this part of my life right now. I need to have stronger bonds with everyone so that I can feel like I have people I can depend on in my family. My friends have been wonderful and supportive, but why can't my family?
Posted by Maple :: 7:21 PM :: 1 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Thursday, November 10, 2005
What was I thinking?
I should've known better, but I was feeling impulsive. Not a good thing when you're headed to the salon for the first time in many, many months. My hair has been driving me crazy for a while now so my plan was to visit Letty and get a trim. Nothing drastic, just an inch or two taken off. Once I sat in her chair things changed. Something came over me and I heard myself saying 'Do you have any suggestions?' The first thing out of her mouth was 'BANGS! Let's do bangs!' At least I was smart enough to stop that right away. Bangs would've driven me crazy. But then, for some strange reason, I said 'Have at it. You can have you're way with me as long as you don't give me bangs.'
Letty: 'Are you sure??'
Me: 'Go for it! I need a change right now.'
Letty: 'Okay...I think you're going to love this.'
Me: (quietly in my head) 'I sure hope so or I'll be wearing a hat for the next couple of months.'
So as she's cutting my hair, she has my chair facing away from any mirrors so I have no idea what she's doing to me. All I see are piles of my beautiful red hair growing on the floor and I start getting sad. And then worried when I can feel her working higher and higher, my hair getting shorter and shorter. 'Oh sh*t...what have I done?' I try to stay positive and keep my hopes up that it will look amazing when she's finished. I really try and as she turns my chair to the mirror to finish styling I think to myself 'It's not too bad, but not really that cute either.' Maybe I just need to get used to it. Oh, and styling it this morning - a pain in the A*S! It took forever and finally I just gave up. My only saving grace is that it's just long enough to fit in a ponytail. Oh...and to top it off, I think one side is longer than the other.
Letty was great about it and tried to convince me that I looked cute. And I'm sure I don't look as bad as I think I do. I even had a fireman stare at me as I was leaving the salon and I keep telling myself it was because he thought I was hot, but I'll never know for sure. He may have just thought I was part of a freak show.
C'est la vie!
Posted by Maple :: 10:32 AM :: 3 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Rumor has it...
The end has come for my relationship with Fenway. Some of you already know this because you are a good friend of mine, others know this because you read his blog and figured out who I am. Anyone who follows my blog knows that I chose not to talk about our relationship as much as he did and that is because I am a private person and our relationship was, and still is special to me. Fenway is a wonderful person and I feel very lucky to have been given the opportunity to get to know him, but unfortunately, he is not the right person for me. I can't really put into words why it wouldn't work, but I do know that there was something that wouldn't let me love him. Something beyond my control. It's like our relationship was a big jigsaw puzzle, where only one piece was missing and instead of it being one of the little pieces off to the side, it was a big one right in the center that pulled the picture together. The missing piece is not something that can be ignored. It is too essential to the overall picture and without it, the picture is incomplete. All I know is that it would've been wrong to continue our relationship when I couldn't give him all of my heart. He deserves better than that. We all do.
In the past I would've ignored my instincts and just kept in the relationship until we couldn't stand each other anymore. But I'm tired of doing that. Of living a lie because I don't want to be alone. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. And I would prefer that to being in a relationship that is missing an important piece. I'm growing up and trying to learn from my mistakes. I still care very deeply for Fenway but I can't force myself to love him. I'm not going to live a lie just because he's great in every other way.
He will find his true love, and I hope she makes him happier than he's ever been.
Posted by Maple :: 5:17 PM :: 2 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Friday, November 04, 2005
A smart decision
It turns out that I made the right decision to stay with the evil client that I've been with for a couple of years now. I just had coffee with my boss and we discussed that other client, and it turns out there have been some issues with them. They are disputing the work that's been done for them and are refusing to pay which is not good. Thankfully I trusted my instincts on that one and haven't had to deal with their bs personally. Granted, I'm not ecstatic about staying put, but at least I know what to expect. It also helps that they respect my opinion here - at least most of the time.
Posted by Maple :: 11:47 AM :: 1 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Yippeee!!!
I finally have some work to do! I'm so happy, even if it won't take me very long. And to top it off, I actually had to do research for someone else and I felt useful again! Ohhh...and I had a conversation with a live human being while at the office - that was a real treat!
Yes my life is that dull right now.
Last night I tried to take advantage of Kohl's 50% off sale so that I could buy a new coat, some jeans, some new boots and shoes. What did I come home with? Socks. Three pairs of the softest socks I have ever found. So then I went over to Best Buy to look for some entertainment and what did I find? Not much because my mind always, always, always goes blank when I walk into that place. So instead of getting a DVD, I ended up buying the latest Nickelback CD for the drive home. Oh...and then at Target I got everything on my list including pant hangers for my wonderfully fitting pants, but they didn't have a storage box for all my xmas wrapping paper, so I was a little disappointed.
And dinner...oops...I knew I forgot something.
Posted by Maple :: 12:15 PM :: 0 Comments: ---------------------------------------
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Wisely spent $$
I should be blogging a lot right now. I have the time yet I don't really want to, except to say that my pants that I just had taken in at the waist fit me perfectly!! I don't remember the last time I had work pants that didn't need a belt or safety pins to keep them in the right place. I have been in comfort all day and I think I could get used to it. Yay!
Posted by Maple :: 3:18 PM :: 2 Comments: ---------------------------------------