Sunday, November 13, 2005

We are family

I just spent the last 3 days with Tosa's family and I had a great time. I absolutely love her family and consider them part of my own. I've been calling her Mom 'Mom' ever since high school and still do to this day. She was always the fun mother that everyone liked to talk to. She would tell us all the dirty jokes and pretty much let us do what we wanted. As the years go by, the rest of her family has also taken me to be part of the group. I've been to family reunions, Thanksgiving dinners, weddings and birthday parties and I've even had to endure Mom talk about her sex life while I was still in university, and most recently I've heard about Dad's prostate troubles. Nothing is off limits with them it seems, so I think it's safe to say that I've pretty much been adopted into the family - and I wouldn't have it any other way! They've become my surrogate family while I'm living in the States and I really do love them.

The only problem I have with this is that I don't have this type of affection from my own family. They tend to be more distant and aloof, and don't show the type of affection that I'm just realizing that I desperately crave. I feel like I walk on egg shells around my mom and don't really feel like we know anything about each other. We can't joke around or just have fun around each other. It always seems like I have to force myself to be someone else around them. Like they expect me to be the girl I used to be, someone I don't really feel like anymore. Instead of being the meek and quiet girl that used to just watch and listen, I've become stronger and independent, with a mind of my own. They have no idea what I'm like on a daily basis and I guess I really don't have any idea what they are like either. I never talk to my brother unless I'm at home or they call from a family dinner. My sister and I have never gotten along and have always fought like cats and dogs when we spend too much time together, so we don't talk much either. But I don't want this to continue. I want to start changing things so that I feel like I really belong to a family. Right now I feel like the outsider and actually get along better with my sister-in-law than anyone else, probably because she doesn't judge me for being myself. I can be open with her about anything and she will encourage me to do things and cheer me on, while my family tends to bring me down and make me regret sharing any part of my life with them.

I desperately want to change this part of my life right now. I need to have stronger bonds with everyone so that I can feel like I have people I can depend on in my family. My friends have been wonderful and supportive, but why can't my family?

Posted by Maple :: 7:21 PM :: 1 Comments:

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