Saturday, June 18, 2005

memories and weird stuff

Weird stuff that I've encountered recently....

- a St. Bernard in the backseat of a Porsche convertable...really big dog in a small car...I should've had my camera for that one!

- 5 fire trucks and 2 ambulances at my office Thursday morning...false alarm but scary anyway

- a homeless person sitting in the middle of the sidewalk on Michigan Ave. asking for money...usually they're a little less imposing

- a nicely dressed, barefoot Asian man sitting on the ground on the subway platform

- FireCracker leaving work by 6:30pm on Thursday...that was really bizarre!!


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Do you even have moments when a rush of memories come charging at you from nowhere? That just happened to me and it always takes me off guard. It doesn't happen often but when it does, one little thing will start it off and then there's no stopping. A song brings to mind an old friend...which reminds you of a party...that evokes a feeling...which stirs your emotions...that bring back an old boyfriend...which leads to the breakup...that causes tears...or a sigh of relief -- depending on the ex. In this case it was a sigh of relief. It always amazes me how something so little could cause such a chain reaction. I do like these moments even if they bring up some painful memories. They remind me of all I've been through and how I've grown because of these experiences. I'm so happy with who I've become. I finally feel confidence in myself (usually) and now know to trust my instincts, which I learned the hard way.

Imagine this...it's New Year's eve, I'm with a bunch of girlfriends at a bar and it's 10 minutes to midnight. A friend is desperate to meet a guy so she goes up to his friends and gets a couple of them to join our group. As I see them approach the first words out of my mouth are...

'Ewww...yuck!'

...flash forward a couple of years and I finally realize my first instincts were sooooo right! Somehow I ended up in a serious relationship with this boy. I think I was desperate to have someone in my life. What a mistake that was. My girlfriends tried to have an intervention with me about a year later. They hated this guy but they didn't want to hurt me. They found a reason that they thought would end it...he had been downloading porn on my computer. Little did they know this didn't phase me...or at least not that much. It wasn't a breakupable offense to me. His excuse was plausable so I believed him. At this point I had been spending most nights at his place so Spitfire called and said she needed me to come home - we had to talk. I figured it was something in her life that was a problem. I had no clue what was going on. I get home and she sits me down. Doc is on her way over with 3 little tubs of ice cream that we end up passing in circles. I am still clueless. Spitfire looks like she's going to cry and all I want to do is console her but then she starts talking about the wannabe rockstar. Talking about the porn. And I start laughing. She was all freaked out and upset and I just thought it was funny. I was so stupid and trusting back then. They really wanted to get him out of my life and I was too blind to see it. Not long after that intervention, I decided to get an apartment with him and that's when I realized how blind I had been. He was possesive and focused only on his needs. We only had a small loft apartment so there was really no place to get any alone time unless one of us was out. Unfortunately for me, he worked across the street so he was always around! I'd leave for work and he was still home. I'd get home and he was there. I couldn't even take a shit without him checking up on me. 'Honey...are you okay in there?' I was ready to kill him. At the end, our whole relationship was a sham. There was no intimacy and barely even a friendship. I would go from room to room to try and escape being around him with no success. Eventually we both realized it had to stop and we agreed that it was time to find someone to sublet. We were done. Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when he tries to get back together with me. We're still living together at this point and we've tried to be friendly during the whole process. Then, out of the blue he wants to rekindle the relationship....that he was wrong and he doesn't want to live without me. That he's even looked into getting married at Casa Loma in Toronto. That he nearly bought me a ring. He's crying and pleading to get me to reconsider, which I want no part of. And then he gets angry and I see his temper for the very first time. It was the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. He came very close to hitting me but instead hit the couch -- inches away from my head. That moment was the first time I have ever, in my life, been afraid for my safety. I was ready to call the cops. Instead I grabbed the phone and ran into the bathroom to get some distance. When he calmed down I agreed to come out and he promised he wouldn't come near me. The next day I moved out and stayed with my cousin for about a month. I was very grateful for her help and don't know what I would've done with out her. He refused to leave so it was really my only option. Somehow, when it came time for me to move into my new apartment, he actually helped. It was a strange situation. Once we were away from each other my life got back to normal and I've learned to realize my mistakes in life. I've had time to understand my choices and know the reasons for certain decisions. Hopefully, the next time around I won't be so blind, but at least I know to listen to my girls...they know what they are talking about!!! It used to be that my Mom would make a random comment on who I was dating and eventually that would be the reason we would break up. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling her this and now she keeps to herself. The one time I'm ready to listen and she won't say a word...what's a girl to do??

Posted by Maple :: 8:24 PM :: 3 Comments:

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