Thursday, April 07, 2005

laughter and heartache

Thanks to THE Single Guy, I've been thinking a lot about my Dad lately. I really miss him and wonder what my life would be like today if he was still around. How different would things be for me? Would I still be living in Chicago or would I have stayed in Toronto, closer to my family?

When I was 12, he started to have seizures in the middle of the night. At the time, Mom was a nurse and was working the night shift so the only reason we knew anything was wrong was because he bit his tongue. It was disgusting and there was blood everywhere, but he had no idea what had happened, except that part of his tongue was hanging off. And being the joker he was, he made a point of showing it off and wiggling it around trying to freak us out. He was good at that! Luckily, the next time this happened Mom was home and she called 911 and got him to the hospital. I still remember hearing the paramedics in the hallway outside my bedroom door. I had no idea what was going on but I could hear them trying to talk to him. And I was so scared. I didn't want to know so I pretended that nothing was going on and covered my ears to block the sounds. I guess I figured if I didn't leave my room then nothing bad could be happening. How I wish that were true. Denial has always been my defense mechanism of choice but eventually the truth has to surface and you need to face it. I think that's why I'm telling this story. I've never talked about this before but I think it's time to let it all out, so please bear with me. I don't remember what happened the next few days, but I'm sure tests were done and that's how we found out about the cancer. It was a brain tumor that caused the seizures and they needed to do surgery.

My Dad was a very stubborn man. Everything had to be done his way. I don't know when the surgery took place exactly, but it was right before Christmas and he was determined to be out of the hospital for the holidays. And he did it. He came home Christmas Eve and even managed to go back to work part-time in January. Nothing was going to stop this man! I'll never forget when he came home though. He looked weak and nothing like he used to. They had to shave his head and when he took off his hat I could see the bandages. The first time I saw him without the bandages I nearly fainted because they stapled his head shut and I wasn't prepared for that sight. The man you think is invincible and admire and want to be exactly like has become weak and fragile and powerless. Or at least he was for a short time. It didn't last. He became strong again and proved that he could overcome the disease. He was not going to let it ruin his life. He went through the treatments and loved to show off the mold they made of his head. He tried to make a joke out of it to make it seem less scary for me but when he put the clear plastic mask up to his face it just made me more scared. I didn't want to know anything about what he was going through. I couldn't handle it. Thankfully, he managed to recover and went into remission for a few years. It was like nothing had happened to him. And it was great. His hair kind of grew back and things seemed like they were back to normal.

But then it came back. He had another tumor, that grew so fast and so out of control that there was nothing they could do. I was now 15 and his tumor was the size of a grapefruit. Another surgery, if he survived, had a 50-50 chance of making him a vegetable. He decided against that and just wanted to live for as long as it would let him. I remember how he started to loose control of the left side of his body. One day before church he wanted to shave but needed help to change the razor blade, so I went to help him. He was sitting down and we were talking. I didn't like seeing him in this state so I was really uncomfortable and I didn't realize how much control he had lost. Before I realized, he was on the floor because he had no idea he was slipping down. His body couldn't support him anymore. I think I just stood there motionless, afraid of what was happening to him. He was able to get himself up, but after that things were never the same, and not much longer he was in the hospital.

During this whole experience, I really had no concept of time so I couldn't say if it was weeks or months or days. But visiting him in the hospital was hard. And the hospital was right beside my high school, so there was no way of avoiding going, to remain in denial about all that was happening to him. I think the best moment when he was at the hospital was that last Saturday. He was happy and joking around and looked better. I should have known that something was up. It turns out that was the turning point in his life. That it was his last hurrah before the end. I'm glad I was able to experience it, but I had no idea what was in store for us.

At the time, my brother was in university a couple hours away and my sister had chosen that weekend to go visit. They didn't get to see him that weekend. The Sunday morning was when everything changed. I woke up and walked downstairs to find a friend of the family in my living room. She asked if I had talked to my Mom yet, which I hadn't. She told me to go back upstairs to talk to her. I didn't get it. It made no sense but I hadn't put the pieces of the puzzle together. I walked into her room and she was in bed crying. I sat on the end of the bed and asked her what was wrong. And that's how I found out he had died. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't expecting it at all, especially after his having such a great day just the day before. I don't remember much after that moment. I was pretty much in shock for a couple of weeks. I don't know if I cried, although I'm sure I did. I'm sure I spent most of my time curled up in bed with the covers over my head trying to make sense of everything.

It took a full year before I would talk about it. My high school had a counselling group for those who lost a parent. I would't go when my sister was still there, so I waited another year until she had graduated. I am grateful to them for helping me through that time. For understanding all the emotions and hurt that I was feeling. It was a very difficult time for me. It's amazing how it can seem like yesterday, but it's been over 16 years. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out to you. I needed to share this with someone and this was the only way to do it. I still can't talk about it, but I hope by writing this I will be able to release some of my sorrow, while at the same time remember the greatest man I know.

Posted by Maple :: 10:29 AM :: 0 Comments:

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