Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Make a beautiful life...

Violet wants to know how my weekend was, and in short, we had our first fight, an absolutely amazing day and a day that left me questioning everything in my life and I've spent the last 2 days being depressed and can't stop crying. Sounds promising doesn't it?

Have I completely given up on a relationship with Kev? No. I need to talk to him before that will happen and I'm not even sure if that's what I want. See, the problem I have is that I'm afraid to let myself fall in love with anyone ever again. And Kev has flat out told me that if I move back to Canada, we're getting married, there's no question about it in his mind. I have before me a possible husband and family, if I choose to pursue this relationship further. And it's left me scared out of my mind. I really wish he had never said any such thing to me, it would've been easier to get to know him, but now all I feel is pressure to decide if that's what I want. I shouldn't have to think of things like this after only a month of knowing someone. It's too early for that! And I can't handle this kind of pressure...hence the crying. I've called in sick to work the past 2 days so that I can try to make sense of everything in my life and it hasn't helped at all. It's only given me the privacy to cry, but not a solution. Because if I do decide to continue seeing Kev, then I also have to plan for the move back to Canada, because I wouldn't want to continue being so far away from him. And that's another scary prospect. Sure, I have my family and a couple friends left back home, but it would mean leaving everything I've created for myself here. Am I ready to do that? Do I even want to do that?

So, Friday night, Kev drove all the way to Buffalo to meet me at the airport. It took him hours to get there because of traffic and he even had his car searched by customs trying to cross the border. But he was amazingly not affected by the whole thing and had planned to get a hotel room right by the airport so that he would be able to relax and not worry about driving back the same night. He got there early enough so that he could play in the pool and explore the hotel before I arrived. I was really excited to see him when I got there and was very disappointed that he wasn't waiting for me as I passed through the secure area. Turns out, he was told he should wait for me down by the baggage claim and I never thought to go down to that area. So it took a while for us to see each other and my excitement had pretty much subsided by then and was replaced by fear. Fear that this was how our weekend would continue.

Things did get better and we talked for a bit at the hotel. He was sweet and thought to get some Keith's when crossing the border so we had a beer in the room before heading to the local hot-spot, courtesy of the hotel shuttle. It was a decent place that was packed with a young crowd but we weren't interested in anyone but each other. When he was in Chicago, I had told him that I wasn't sure about us yet so he made a point of asking again how I felt now. I told him again that I still wasn't sure about us, but that I was willing to try the long distance thing to see what happens. That I thought he was a good person and that I was attracted to him, but that I have to take things slowly and can't just jump right into anything with him. And the fact that I wanted to try was a very good thing. He asked what I would do if someone else asked me out, and I told him that it's already happened, and I've turned them down. That he was the only one I wanted to be involved with. Part of the problem I'm having is whether I can trust how strongly he feels for me this early on. He's never said that he's loved me, but he's mentioned marriage multiple times already. Why does he keep bringing it up? Is that all he cares about is getting married and having more kids? Does he not get a lot of interest from women because he already has a child so he doesn't have a lot of options? I don't want that to be the reason he's involved with me.

Eventually, we get back to the hotel and start messing around and this is where we have our fight. Him being a guy and begging for no condom, me being responsible and insisting on him wearing one. Eventually, he gives up and falls asleep without ever resolving anything, which of course makes me furious. The next morning he realizes I'm not going to give in and he finally becomes a willing participant and we have great makeup sex, even though it was interupted by the housekeeper. Oops! Eventually we get up and check out of the hotel and point the car towards the border. We do a little shopping in Niagara Falls and go to the Flying Saucer for breakfast before finally heading back to Toronto.

There's more to the weekend than what I've written so far, but I feel so much better right now that I can't focus on what was anymore. I want to live in this moment of peacefulness that has enveloped me and enjoy it. So I'll leave you with this, wise words from my Mother, courtesy of Hallmark....

Love yourself.

MAKE PEACE with who you are

and where you are

at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.

If you can't hear what it's saying

in this noisy world,

MAKE TIME for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.

Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.

Take chances.

MAKE MISTAKES.

Life can be messy

and confusing at times,

but it's also full of surprises.

The next rock in your path

might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.

When you don't have what you want,

want what you have.

MAKE DO.

That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.

To know where you're going

is only part of it.

You need to know where you've been, too.

And if you ever get lost, don't worry.

The people who love you will find you.

Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.

It's what you do with time

and with all the goodness and grace

that's inside you.

MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...

The kind of life you deserve.

Posted by Maple :: 4:58 PM :: 2 Comments:

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