Saturday, July 30, 2005

inspired to write

I'm free from the chains of work, at least for the weekend, yet I feel like I'm still bound in chains. I finally have some time for myself and I've taken advantage by laying on the couch to watch 'This Old Cub' - a documentary on Ron Santo, former third baseman for the Cubs. It was a touching story about his struggles with diabetes while playing, losing both his legs and his joy for the Cubs. It's a story that brought me to tears many times but it also shows the courage and joy that can encompass the human spirit. He's an inspiration.

Then it was on to watch today's game, during which I had a nice little nap. I worked late last night and was rudely woken up at 8AM by a women claiming that I had called her a few times - which I didn't. I was in the midst of a wonderful dream and of course I could not fall back to sleep even though I was in this wonderful hotel room with the most comfortable bed and I had 6 pillows all to myself. Who has 6 pillows?? I felt like a princess.

So tonight, for the first time in a really long time, I had the desire and energy to make myself dinner. Nothing fancy, just a little something that I find joy in making. Yet I did not find the joy I usually get from spending time in the kitchen. I felt very alone and sad. It feels like today was the first day that I could do anything I wanted - just for me - and what I wanted most was not an option. This thing I've got going with Fenway has been great. I like him so much, more than I expected I could. When we are together I am so happy...almost giddy. I have a big goofy grin on my face and we have fun. I never want to stop touching him or let him out of my sight, afraid that it's all just a dream. But then before I know it - he's gone. And the sadness sets in.

I've had long distance relationships before and I don't remember them being so painful for me. I spent 6 months across the world from my former fiance, who I loved dearly, yet it never affected me like this. And maybe it's just because this is so new and we still have a lot to learn about each other. How we deal with situations and our reactions to events are not easily interpreted yet. I'm getting frustrated at the thought of having to plan our next visit - still a month away. I don't want to wait that long! I don't think I should have to wait that long but I don't have a choice in the matter. Our schedules just don't coincide this month so I have to learn to live without. And then part of me wonders if it's really worth the effort. I have no way of knowing the answer to this question, but I'm willing to find out.

When he was in Chicago, we had such a wonderful time together. I wanted to spoil him and make it a weekend he wouldn't easily forget. His Red Sox were in town so of course we went to a game where he unfortunately had to suffer through a loss. We also did the typical touristy thing with the architecture tour along the river and tried to hit the Hancock on his birthday but the line was much too long to bother. For his birthday, we did two things that made me very happy. The first was that he got to meet my friend Violet and the second was that I got to take him out for dinner - a really nice dinner. It's not often I go out, so this was a big deal for me and I wanted to do it right. He had raved about the steaks at this place and I was looking forward to it, so the cost never even crossed my mind. I never even thought to look at the prices when trying to choose the wine because it was a special night and only the best would do. It took some convincing, but eventually he relented and let me pay for dinner. I think I pissed him off a bit that weekend because I kept paying for everything, but after paying for his flight, I didn't want him to spend more than necessary. I can be stubborn...which I think he has now learned.

Sunday came much too quickly and before we knew it, the time had come to go to the airport. I didn't want to do the drop-off out front so I went straight for the parking garage, but our goodbye was over way too quickly. A short hug and a little kiss and he was gone. I pretty much had to beg him to call me to let me know he got home safely...I tend to worry about things like that. I guess I can be a little needy, but I can't help it with him. I want him in my life and there are only a few ways that's possible right now. I hope he understands.

Posted by Maple :: 7:48 PM :: 0 Comments:

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